Begone Unbelief

The idea of blogging is a bit strange to me sometimes. It can feel like I am making my journal public for everyone to read, which I guess I am doing since I adapted a lot of this post from what I wrote in my journal a few days ago. I hesitated to write this post, but I also wanted to share a bit more of how God is working in my heart through daily life in Sudan.

A few nights ago, it was HOT. I was trying to sleep. I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable while wiping the sweat from my face with a bandanna. In the middle of the night when I looked at my clock and saw that it was only 1 am, I started to get really frustrated. It is in moments like this that my unbelief and sin surface so clearly.



I was frustrated that AGAIN I wasn’t sleeping. Even though the heat was the cause and it had only been two nights, after three serious bouts of sleeplessness in Sudan, two hot nights was enough to get me frustrated. Then I was frustrated that I was thinking about the fact that I wasn’t sleeping and that my mind so quickly considered that this might be the start of another bout of sleeplessness. Then I was angry with myself for not trusting God with my sleep, and I was upset with myself for not going to God in prayer at the beginning of the night when I couldn’t fall asleep. Then I started to try and reason with myself and God. I started thinking that I had already been through this, that the sleeplessness was over, that God had made His point already, that people had prayed for me, and that I was now sleeping, so why go back to this again. I wanted to say that I had done my part, and now God should do his part and give me sleep. What more could God possibly have to teach me through more sleeplessness. Messed up, right? Then I started to see the reality of my response and how quickly my heart sins. Once again I was not trusting in God or living like a dependent child of God. I had snatched back control of my life and I was frustrated because I had already gone through this little bit of suffering that had God for me and I didn’t want to be back there. I had prayed for my sleeplessness, the team had prayed, and even you may had prayed. It was supposed to be over (or at least according to me). At night, when I’m tired and not sleeping, when I’m hot and uncomfortable, when things are hard, more often than not, my heart first turns to unbelief, and I definitely don’t act like a beloved child of God. It was a bit later that night that I remembered God’s work in my life over the last decade including during a time of anxiety while I was at Penn State and in my call to Sudan, and I remembered God's promises in scripture. I am always amazed at how quickly my heart can turn to praise and repentance when I remember specifically how God has worked in my life previously.

I pray now that as I continue to learn to abide in Christ, in moments of unbelief I will see my sin and repent more quickly than in previous years.

Note: Michael has since installed the vent at the top of our dukul as well as the solar panel and battery which means I can run a small fan at night! Praise God!

One of my favorite hymns is Begone Unbelief, and I have included some of the lyrics below.

Though dark be my way,

Since He is my Guide,

'Tis mine to obey,

'Tis His to provide;

Though cisterns be broken,

And creatures all fail,

The word He hath spoken

Shall surely prevail.


His love, in time past,

Forbids me to think

He'll leave me at last

In trouble to sink:

Each sweet Ebenezer

I have in review

Confirms His good pleasure

To help me quite through.


Why should I complain

Of want or distress,

Temptation or pain?

He told me no less;

The heirs of salvation,

I know from His Word,

Through much tribulation

Must follow their Lord

The Making of a Dukul

Permanence

Last week the whole Sudan packed up and moved from our rental property to the houses we built on the church land a few kilometers outside of Mundri town. We have been anticipating this move for months. Our goal was to move before Karen's birthday, and to accomplish this we pushed hard for a few days working on the last minutes details to get the houses ready. We painted, sanded, worked on the electrical wiring, and finished the essential plumbing jobs. Michael installed temporary covers on the roof vents to keep the rain out, and the work crew finished one side of the latrine/shower structure. There is still work to be done, but with the essentials done, we moved!

We moved to an active construction site with a lot of work still to be done on Bethany and Kim's dukul, the second half of our latrine, and the Bishop's house. It will take some getting used to a new rhythm of life since going into town requires a 15 minute bike ride and you have to be home before dark, but there many blessings in this new rhythm of life as well.

(my new room: desk, window seat w/ butterfly pillow, sunflower curtains)

More space for our team has been one of the biggest blessings. The Masso family finally has their own living space. Larissa and I have desks in our rooms which you can comfortably sit at during the day without overheating. I am also thankful for walls to lean against while reading at night. My first night in the dukul was the best night's sleep I have had since I arrived in Sudan, which is a huge praise considering the many sleepless nights I have had! I woke up to the sound of birds singing instead of the sounds of our neighbors and roosters.

(my new room bed w/ zebra pillow, whiteboard, flower door curtain)

Over the last two days I have also felt a sense of permanence for our team's presence in Sudan. We now have permanent structures built on the church land, which is of high value our Sudanese friends. I live in a room with real walls that doesn't feel like it will blow away or collapse in a strong wind like the tent that Larissa and I were living in until last week. A few days ago I was even introduced to a visitor from Juba as a resident of Mundri and as an honorary Moru woman so to speak. I have a VERY limited Moru vocabulary and VOLUMES more to learn about Moru culture. I have not yet lived in Mundri for one year, and I don't know God's plans for me in 2011. Despite all these things, the long term commitment of our team to Mundri amidst uncertainty surrounding the upcoming elections and referendum has brought a sense of permanence to our relationships with the Moru church and community.

Many of your who know me well know that I am slow to let people and places into my heart. I have moved quite a bit over the last 25 years, and don't consider any particular place to be my hometown. After 11 months in Mundri, I am so thankful for the sense of permanence in my ties to Mundri and the Moru people that God has slowly fostered.

Please join us in praying for peace in Sudan as we continue to build with the expectation that the partnership of WHM with the Moru church will continue for years beyond the referendum.

Sleep Update

Thank you to all of you who have been praying! I realized today that I sent out an update in my January prayer letter, but forgot to post an update here. Praise God, I have been sleeping well for several weeks now! Even after I started sleeping, I was still emotionally and spiritually in a haze. Praise God again that prior to the team retreat God brought me back to a place where I could pray and process and out of the haze I had been living in for weeks. The team retreat was encouraging and restorative as were the days I spent at Lake Mburo. Even now that I am back in Sudan, I am sleeping despite the oppressive heat. I am thankful for sleep as well as space in my mind to read books, journal, and process life in Sudan.

Which Way to Lui?

Bethany and I embarked on an adventure early Sunday morning. We had been planning a bike trip to Lui, which is about 14 miles by road from Mundri for a few weeks. Our plans changed though once we heard of the deteriorating road condition. A lot of the road is more like a washboard these days covered in small ridges spanning the whole width of the road. I was also not looking forwad to continually being engulfed by a cloud of red dust when a truck passed. Last minute, we decided to take the shortcut. We had heard of the shortcut, but we didn't know the condition of the path, where it started, or where it let out. Michael gave us the GPS, a satellite phone, and tools for bike repairs along the way, and then we were off.

After crossing the bridge, we started asking people about the path, and some soldiers pointed us in the right direction. We passed through a few compounds where we continued to be directed towards Lui. After about a half hour we were on a clear path with tire tracks from motorbikes that we could follow.



The shortcut was beautiful! We passed under mango trees, through large clearings, over small rock formations, and beside fields being prepared for the rainy season. This month the mango trees are FULL of green mangoes that will be ready to enjoy in about a month. Overall the condition of the path was good, but being the middle of dry season, there were some sections that were covered by 2-3 inches of sand. I wiped out once on the sand as we going down a hill, but continued with only a few scrapes and bruises. After about an hour and 45 minutes we passed through a compound and asked the way to Lui. We got some strange looks, and they told us to keep going straight. We biked a few more feet and realized we had arrived in Lui.

We spent the rest of the day resting and talking with Heather and David at their home in Lui. They are good friends, and I am so thankful for their hospitality and for the wisdom they have to share from 50 years of combined missionary experience.

The next morning we set off back to Mundri on the shortcut, which I think is about 9 miles. We made in back in only one hour and twenty minutes, which is pretty good considering it takes 45 minutes to get to Lui by car on the main road.

I really enjoyed biking to Lui on the narrow wandering path with Bethany. It was a perfect way to enjoy God's creation in Mundri, especially in the early morning before the heat of the day. I am looking forward to biking to Lui again soon.

Dry Season Oasis

Kenneth, one of the county water officers and our friend, had been telling us about his first year of dry season gardening for a few months now. This week I had the opportunity to visit his garden with Larissa and Michael. Kenneth said he isn't a vegetable man but he is a water man. I would say he IS a vegetable man and a water man and even an entrepreneur.


To get to the garden we rode on motorbikes to the compound of Kenneth's uncle. We then walked for a few minutes on dry and dusty paths and past many lifeless rainy season gardens. After turning a corner, we walked straight into a dry season oasis! Everything around was vibrant green and the ground was damp. The land is next to the river and is surrounded by dead branches creating an obstacle to keep stray goats away from the tomatoes, okra, beans, collards and other greens.


We met two of his daughters who were at the garden that day to keep away any monkeys or goats looking for a snack. Kenneth, being a water man, has a pump, pictured above, that gets water from the river to the plants. He runs the pump every other day to keep the plants alive in the extreme heat even though the cost of fuel can be high. Other dry season gardens in Mundri may use a foot pump or people simply carry jerry cans from the river to the garden. Growing things in the dry season in Mundri is hard work! It requires a lot of time and attention.

Kenneth desires to learn more about agriculture even though his garden is already beautiful and is producing many crops in its first year. We are excited to learn from Kenneth and other friends about the Moru dry season gardening methods. Hopefully we can also share some ideas from Larissa's gardening experimentation or Heather and David's many years of experience with agriculture in Africa. I knew nothing about agriculture when I arrived in Sudan, but living with the Moru people and with Larissa, I have learned a lot.

Seeing people work hard as a family to grow food in the dry season has given me a new picture of the verses in Genesis 3 and the effects of the curse on work. Yet as I see people work hard and sweat to grow food, despite all the thorns and thistles and the resulting lush gardens, I am thankful for foretastes of the complete restoration to come. I look forward to the time when everything will be made new.

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Gen 3:17-19 "... cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return."

Rom 8:20-21 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.

Rev 22:1-3 Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb through the middle of the street of the city; also, on either side of the river, the tree of life with its twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit each month. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him.

To Uganda and Back

I want to thank all of you who were praying for our team vision retreat. We each had the opportunity to share the vision God has placed on our hearts for ministry in Sudan over the next year. We each also were able to share our personal histories and the stories of how God has worked in our lives. We played water polo, sang praises under the stars, and enjoyed the sounds and smells of rain.

After the retreat, Bethany, Anna (from the Bundibugyo team), and I went to Lake Mburo for 2 days of vacation. We enjoyed beautiful views of God's creation, delicious food, game walks, boat rides, lounging in the sun, and curling up during the rain. I was so thankful for comfortable and quiet spaces to pray and journal!


I am now back in Sudan, reconnecting with friends and settling back into life. My first night back in Sudan I was flooded by the feeling of being home again. Although it was hot and dry when I left for Uganda, and it is now even hotter and dryer. Tomorrow I will give the final exam for the S1 physics class and Wednesday I will visit the dry season garden of county water officer.

Kitangi Creations

Inspired by Liana's sewing creations, a pattern Bethany brought, and kitangi fabric I bought in Uganda, I finished my second sewing project yesterday. I used the same fabric to sew myself a stocking for Christmas. This time I made a purse and a matching headband. The sewing machine is getting good use by our team.

The Taming of the Shrew

Recently I have had several interactions with a shrew, not the metaphorical kind, but a real shrew.

I had been hearing something scurrying around the tent at night and scratching or gnawing at the tent floor and walls. I suspected a rat or mouse. I woke up in the middle of the night a few days ago and saw something with a tail moving around. The next night Michael set the traps. I heard them both go thwack in the night, and in the morning Acacia was ready and willing to examine the traps. One was empty with some footprints in the peanut butter. The other had trapped and killed what I would have called a rat by the description. Acacia, our resident animal expert, promptly informed me that it was not a rat but a shrew!

So I must admit that the only thing I knew about shrews before yesterday was thanks to Shakespeare. Even now I still say it looks like a rat from the pictures (I refused to look at the dead shrew). I am glad to have the scratching, gnawing, and general noisiness gone, but I would have been just as happy if the shrew had willingly relocated.

All We Had to Offer

All we had to offer was prayer.

There was a fire in Mundri at a storage container that sells fuel to vehicles on the main road. The fuel is stored in barrels and jerrycans in the container. We heard about the fire from Vicki, a friend who is a counselor for the ECS church. Her nephew recently started working at the fuel station in the last month. She received a call to say that he had been burned by the fire. Bethany and I prayed with Vicki at the office and then she left to go home and see him at the Mundri clinic. We followed on our bicycles a few minutes later. On our way back into to town we saw the thick cloud of black smoke filling the sky before we could see the flames. The flames were coming out of the front and sides of the container as the fuel continued to burn. We could feel the heat. There was a crowd of people watching the fire standing uncomfortably close to the container. We met Vicki at her compound and then walked with her to the Mundri clinic to see her nephew. We were still receiving bits and pieces of information about what had gone wrong. Her nephew lay in a hospital bed under a mosquito net in a hallway of the Mundri clinic. He had been given some medication, but his extended family was gathering around him to pray and make decisions about his care. He would need to be transported to the hospital in Lui which would a long painful journey for this young man. One of his arms was burned badly and he had less severe burns on his stomach, back, and hands. He looked frail for a young man who we were told is about 18 years old. Bethany and I joined his family in praying for this young man. We had nothing else to offer. We do not have a vehicle to assist in transporting him to the hospital. We have no medical knowledge to help the family make decisions about his care.

As all of this was taking place, my mind kept on running through all my past experiences with fire protection. Before I was appointed as a missionary engineer with World Harvest Mission, I spent over two years working as the first-call process engineer for the largest Nomex plant in the world. Nomex is a fire-resistant polymer that is made into clothes for people who work in high hazard occupations. I spent two years wearing Nomex coveralls myself while working in the chemical plant that produces Nomex. I have seen countless demonstrations of how the Nomex we produced protected people from devastating burns. Nomex is worn by military personnel, fire fighters, Nascar racers, and by industrial workers including those that work in the production and distribution of fuel. All my first hand knowledge of the benefits and protection that Nomex coveralls can offer were of no use to this young man, and it is unlikely that Sudanese young men like him will be protected by Nomex or petroleum industry standards in the near future.

All we had to offer was prayer, and that is the best thing that we could ever have to offer. If my identity was tied up in my performance, skill, or knowledge, it might have been a sad day knowing that I personally could do nothing to help this young man. Instead I praise God for the truth of Jesus Christ and the power of prayer.

"Pray with the realization that you are perfect only in Christ Jesus, not on the basis of this argument: 'Oh, Lord, I have done my best; please hear me now.'"
~ Oswald Chambers