When I Don't Trust

Support raising missionaries talk a lot about trusting in God's provision, and I am no exception. I am so thankful for the record I have of God's provision and the ways he has answered prayers.

But with three weeks left in the US, an ever increasing number of items on my to-do list, a dying computer that I really can't afford to replace, my support account still over a thousand dollars short of my goal, and more goodbyes on the horizon, trusting in God's provision becomes the thing I say but don't do.  I start problem-solving like the engineer that I am with a heart full of doubt.  I stop trusting, leave God out of the process, and act independently without asking for help.

The sinful tendencies of my heart come out in these moments when there is no buffer.  It is easier to trust in God's provision when I have plenty of time and savings to fall back on if necessary. Today I listened to a sermon on Habakkuk and was reminded that my version of not having a buffer as an American is no where even close to what is experienced by so many people around the world where God's provision is the difference between life and death.  The reality of trusting in God's provision is that God may not answer my prayers or the prayers of Christians around the world.  Yet God is always faithful.

I have experienced God's faithfulness in times of struggle and unanswered prayers in my own life, yet I so easily forget this record.  As my pastor pointed out, the stories of God's provision and answered prayers are the ones most often shared by Christians.   But if I look back honestly at my own life, each story of God's faithfulness in unanswered prayers has shown me more about the character of God than all the answered prayers combined.

In these moments when the buffer I have become accustomed to is no longer there, the true state of my heart is exposed.  So please pray against my doubt and unbelief.  Pray that I would not just say that I am trusting in God, but that my heart would actually trust God with every detail of my last three weeks in the US.   Pray that I would remember the ways God has been faithful to me in previous times of struggle, but more than that, pray that I would recognize that my concerns are small and that God is faithful even in death.

On the Move with Jayber Crow

Last night I turned in my last grad school paper of the summer semester, which more than anything else marked the transition to summer for me.

I'm already on the road, making my way down the east coast, stopping to visit friends here and there on my way to Southwest Florida.

I am counting my time left in the US in weeks rather than months now, and my to-do list seems to just keep getting longer.

This is the stage for me that is filled with excitement as I anticipate biking along the familiar red-dirt roads of Mundri and being reunited with dear friends.  It is also a time of sadness as I say both hello and goodbye to old friends in Richmond and all over the US.

As I make this journey, I have been listening to Jayber Crow on audiobook.  Knowing it was one of Bethany's favorite books, I downloaded it right away when I saw it available on Noisetrade.  I'm not even at the half way point of the book or my drive, but so far I love how Wendell Berry speaks about community in a slow and humble way with a Southern accent all wrapped up in story.  I didn't realize how much I longed for a good story, but after reading a lot of academic articles and text books over the last year, I am completely engaged in the story of Jayber Crow's life and the Port William community.  Stability in relationships and community are topics I have been praying a lot about this year, but rather than continuing to ramble about community, I will just leave you with the link to Jayber Crow on audiobook.  =)

http://noisetrade.com/wendellberry/jayber-crow

“'You have been given questions to which you cannot be given answers. You will have to live them out - perhaps a little at a time.'
'And how long is that going to take?'
'I don't know. As long as you live, perhaps.'
'That could be a long time.'
'I will tell you a further mystery,' he said. 'It may take longer.'”
― Wendell Berry, Jayber Crow

Half Way There, Livin' on a Prayer

On Friday I put on a cap, gown, and hood along with all the other economic and international development students from my cohort at Eastern University.  Friends and family came to watch us walk across a stage and NOT graduate.  We still have half of the summer term and the fall practicum to complete, but since we will be scattered across the globe in when we actually graduate, having a special service now made more sense.  

Standing in line waiting to walk in the auditorium, one of my classmates suggested "Livin' on a Prayer" as an  anthem for our commissioning service.  The lyrics to the chorus were perfect, so a few of us started singing.  

Whooah, we're half way there 

Livin' on a prayer 

Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear 

Livin' on a prayer 

After the service, I went out to dinner with my parents, and everyone who saw me in my robes congratulated me on graduating.  Meanwhile I was thinking of all the reading I still had to do for the next week.  =)  It was a great night despite the heavy rains and flooding and the fact that I still haven't actually graduated.  

On another note, after the service, as we were all mingling and taking pictures, one of the speakers congratulated me for being the only girl wearing flats instead of heels.  I wasn't sure exactly what to make of that, but at least I was comfortable and less likely to slip on the very wet sidewalks.  =)  

Research

This year for me has been a lot about research, so when I saw this beautiful stained glass window at Valley Forge, I had to take a picture.  =)  Only one and half more semesters of grad school!

Considering, Thinking, Reasoning

from the poem "A Short Testament" by Anne Porter

I made this image in April when signs of spring were just starting to show up in Philadelphia. I have been thinking a lot about seasons, winter, and spring recently especially in relation to community and relationships.

I generally have several thoughts running through my mind at any given time that are not quite fully formed.  And most of the time I never actually come to a conclusion.

Some days I really wish I could just turn off my thoughts and not spend so much time considering everything. Especially since grad school provides plenty of material that I must consider.

I'm so thankful for the various friends in my life who have been partners in processing and considering so many different topics including God, fractals, mystery, culture, language, community, water, and most of all, how they are related.  =)

Isaiah 1:8 "Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD"

"Science has explained nothing; the more we know the more fantastic the world becomes and the profounder the surrounding darkness." ~ Aldous Huxley

A Biblical View of Microfinance

During the fall and spring, realizing there were six weeks left of the semester meant it was time to buckle down and start preparing for the final projects.  The summer terms is ONLY six weeks, which makes it more like a sprint.  We start already talking about the details for the final projects/papers.

I am equally excited about the topics for the two courses I am taking this semester:

1. Introduction to Microfinance
2. Advocacy, Public Policy, and Human Rights

One of the reasons that I choose Eastern University was because even when you take a more technical course like Microfinance, it is approached from a Biblical perspective.

My first assignment is to answer the following question:

What considerations do you think are important for microfinance programs seeking to assist and empower the poor in order that they might be be designed and run Christianly? (Based on a Biblical/theological view of the Kingdom, the Church, and the Incarnation)

So after one short week in Richmond between semesters, I'm back in the rhythm of reading, considering, and writing papers.  And in about six weeks I will be leaving PA and making my way down the east coast back to FL so that, God willing, I can head back to South Sudan at the end of the summer!

My Church Family

I am extremely thankful for my church family!

They welcomed me when I was weary after the end of my spring semester, listened to the things God has put on my heart this season, pointed me towards Jesus, and prayed for me. They also lent a traveling graduate student/missionary a car for the week. This is why I love my church.

On the day after I arrived in Richmond, WEPC had organized a night for a dear elderly couple to share stories of the 15 years they spent as missionaries to Congo.  In the photo they sit between their two daughters in front a display of family photos.  I was a BEAUTIFUL night to honor a couple who has faithfully served God for many decades.  This is why I love my church.  

There are very few physical places in the world that feel like "home" to me.  The sanctuary of WEPC is one of those places.   It is hard to express how encouraging and restorative it was to sit in front of a beautiful, familiar tapestry, hear Steve preach the gospel in a sweater vest, and sing "O love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in  Thee" together with my church family.  This is why I love my church.

Of course, WEPC isn't perfect, but is my church, and I am thankful for every opportunity I have to come to Richmond and be a part of the life of the church, even if it is for only a few days. 

As a bonus, WEPC is in Richmond, which is also home to the Japanese gardens at Maymont!

I am also beyond thankful for all the wonderful friends I have in Richmond! I had so many real, honest conversations this week.  I also got to laugh and enjoy a little bit of life together with women I have known since we were all recent college graduates and new to Richmond.

Water Innovation

This is a video about a billboard that produces drinking water from the humidity in the air.  I am all for water innovation, and I hope this idea continues to be developed!  But, let us do a little quick math together.

One billboard produces 9,450 liters of water in three months.

That is about 105 liters a day. (Not accounting for any of the water spilling etc.)

In many relief and development contexts it would be ideal to provide 15-20 liters of water per person per day, but that includes water for bathing, cooking, washing clothes and dishes, etc.  For just drinking and some cooking you would want to provide at least 2.5-3 liters of water per person per day.

Since in the US most people are unfamiliar with liters, keep in mind, the average soda bottle is 2 liters and below is an image of a 20 liter jerry can.

So getting back to the math, the billboard can provide 7 people with 15 liters of water per day or 35 people with 3 liters of water per day.

Of course, I am totally unfamiliar with the context.  I don't know the typical local water usage per family.  I don't know what other sources of water are available. I don't know how they use the billboard water in comparison to how they use the well water.

My main question stems from the fact that the video implies they are able to provide for the water needs of hundreds of families.  But when I heard the numbers, I had to wonder how they are able to achieve that with only about 105 liters per day (a little more than 5 full jerry cans).

I had a chemistry professor as an undergrad who was a strong advocate for quick mental math and the memorization of estimates for key values in science.  He argued that as good scientists and engineers we should be able to hear a speaker or read an article and quickly consider whether their argument was reasonable based on the values they were presenting.  I have come to see the wisdom in his teaching methods.  I must admit that I have forgotten a lot of the estimates he asked us to memorize and I'm no longer as quick as I used to be with mental math, so please feel free to point out any mistakes I make.  =)  But I have become pretty familiar with basic numbers when it comes to providing safe drinking water.  So when I watch a video like the one above, I can quickly come to my own conclusions.

There was a time when solar panels were at this stage of development as well, and now they are used all over the world.  So I really do hope that engineers around the world continue to innovate and develop new ideas like providing drinking water from a billboard!

Color!

Apparently I like color. =) 

And I know my outfit doesn't exactly match, but I was determined to wear a spring outfit and fun colors even though it is still kind of cold in Philly. 

This is the day that the Lord has made;

    let us rejoice and be glad in it.

~Psalm 118:24

*Photos taken at Philadelphia's Magic Gardens on South Street

Harvard International Development Conference

Last weekend I was in Boston with several of my classmates for the International Development Conference at Harvard.  Of course the events of that Monday have dominated the news around the world for the last week.   Friends of mine have expressed their thoughts on the bombings on their own blogs, so if you are interested, check out these two posts.  I will only be sharing about my weekend and the conference.

ParadoxUganda: Not Quite at Home

Kriegers Living on Grace: Boston

As a budget traveler, I am so thankful for the hospitality of my friends in cities around the world.  Boston was no exception.  I was welcomed into the apartment of a dear childhood friend late on Thursday night.

Friday was a gloomy cold day, but I was determined to see some of Boston.  So despite the rain, I walked a most of the Freedom Trail.  It was a great way to get a sense for the city and see some historic sites. 

*St. Francis of Assisi statue that was part of the Old North Church*

The conference started Friday night and continued all day on Saturday.  I had the opportunity to hear many influential voices share their thoughts on the future of the development industry, local ownership, climate, the role of government, etc.   I was really thankful for the opportunity to consider a different perspective, since many of the speakers came from bilateral or multilateral agencies (IMF, USAID, World Bank, UNDP, etc.) or have been advisors to presidents of countries around the world whereas many of the students and professors at Eastern University are more involved in grassroots ministries, local churches, and NGOs.  

The conference had several interactive workshops and two case competitions.  I had the opportunity to participate in the case competition on South Sudan, and my team won!  As they were presenting the awards, one of the judges quipped that we had 3 minutes to present an intervention that we had developed in only 30 minutes to address a problem created over more than 30 years of conflict.  Of course our hastily composed intervention developed by graduate students from all over the world (but none from South Sudan) in the halls of Harvard, worlds away from the streets of Juba, is not the way to go.  But it was a fun exercise, and I got a certificate and free water bottle and flash drive out of it.  

My two main thoughts at the end of the conference were:

1. I understood most of what the speakers were discussing which means I have learned a lot of the last year.

2. I am thankful that God brought me to Eastern University.  It is the right program for me.