Doubt

In many Christian communities, people will speak openly about their own sin.  Subjects that might be taboo like greed, pride, and lust are discussed openly.  In fact, public admission of sin can even become boastful because it is so highly valued.  

There are however still some things that people don't really discuss.  Doubt, in my opinion, is one of those things.  It would be easier to admit to lying than to admit you doubt the existence of God.  

So here I am, a former missionary, admitting on a public blog that I sometimes doubt.  And not just little doubts, like doubting the power of prayer or doubting that God is at work in the midst of suffering, but I doubt the existence of God.  I have moments of darkness and unbelief.

It seems to be the pattern of my life that those moments come especially when I intentionally take time consider God, suffering, paradox, Truth, etc. As a grad student, most of my days are spent reading and praying about those very topics. 

You might think that what comes next in this post is some words about how we can take those doubts to the Lord, evidences for the existence of God, or something that you would read in Christian book on doubt (albeit not as well written).

But I won't, because that is the reality of life of faith sometimes. 

I am thankful for friends to whom I can safely express my doubts and confusion because I think those things should not be keep secret.  I pray that Christian communities would be bold in speaking openly about doubt thus creating a safe spaces for any person to share their doubts.

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1 Corinthians 13:12  For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

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“Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys” - Screwtape Letters

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FYI: I still love Jesus.  =)