When I Don't Trust

Support raising missionaries talk a lot about trusting in God's provision, and I am no exception. I am so thankful for the record I have of God's provision and the ways he has answered prayers.

But with three weeks left in the US, an ever increasing number of items on my to-do list, a dying computer that I really can't afford to replace, my support account still over a thousand dollars short of my goal, and more goodbyes on the horizon, trusting in God's provision becomes the thing I say but don't do.  I start problem-solving like the engineer that I am with a heart full of doubt.  I stop trusting, leave God out of the process, and act independently without asking for help.

The sinful tendencies of my heart come out in these moments when there is no buffer.  It is easier to trust in God's provision when I have plenty of time and savings to fall back on if necessary. Today I listened to a sermon on Habakkuk and was reminded that my version of not having a buffer as an American is no where even close to what is experienced by so many people around the world where God's provision is the difference between life and death.  The reality of trusting in God's provision is that God may not answer my prayers or the prayers of Christians around the world.  Yet God is always faithful.

I have experienced God's faithfulness in times of struggle and unanswered prayers in my own life, yet I so easily forget this record.  As my pastor pointed out, the stories of God's provision and answered prayers are the ones most often shared by Christians.   But if I look back honestly at my own life, each story of God's faithfulness in unanswered prayers has shown me more about the character of God than all the answered prayers combined.

In these moments when the buffer I have become accustomed to is no longer there, the true state of my heart is exposed.  So please pray against my doubt and unbelief.  Pray that I would not just say that I am trusting in God, but that my heart would actually trust God with every detail of my last three weeks in the US.   Pray that I would remember the ways God has been faithful to me in previous times of struggle, but more than that, pray that I would recognize that my concerns are small and that God is faithful even in death.