The idea of blogging is a bit strange to me sometimes. It can feel like I am making my journal public for everyone to read, which I guess I am doing since I adapted a lot of this post from what I wrote in my journal a few days ago. I hesitated to write this post, but I also wanted to share a bit more of how God is working in my heart through daily life in Sudan.
A few nights ago, it was HOT. I was trying to sleep. I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable while wiping the sweat from my face with a bandanna. In the middle of the night when I looked at my clock and saw that it was only 1 am, I started to get really frustrated. It is in moments like this that my unbelief and sin surface so clearly.
I was frustrated that AGAIN I wasn’t sleeping. Even though the heat was the cause and it had only been two nights, after three serious bouts of sleeplessness in Sudan, two hot nights was enough to get me frustrated. Then I was frustrated that I was thinking about the fact that I wasn’t sleeping and that my mind so quickly considered that this might be the start of another bout of sleeplessness. Then I was angry with myself for not trusting God with my sleep, and I was upset with myself for not going to God in prayer at the beginning of the night when I couldn’t fall asleep. Then I started to try and reason with myself and God. I started thinking that I had already been through this, that the sleeplessness was over, that God had made His point already, that people had prayed for me, and that I was now sleeping, so why go back to this again. I wanted to say that I had done my part, and now God should do his part and give me sleep. What more could God possibly have to teach me through more sleeplessness. Messed up, right? Then I started to see the reality of my response and how quickly my heart sins. Once again I was not trusting in God or living like a dependent child of God. I had snatched back control of my life and I was frustrated because I had already gone through this little bit of suffering that had God for me and I didn’t want to be back there. I had prayed for my sleeplessness, the team had prayed, and even you may had prayed. It was supposed to be over (or at least according to me). At night, when I’m tired and not sleeping, when I’m hot and uncomfortable, when things are hard, more often than not, my heart first turns to unbelief, and I definitely don’t act like a beloved child of God. It was a bit later that night that I remembered God’s work in my life over the last decade including during a time of anxiety while I was at Penn State and in my call to Sudan, and I remembered God's promises in scripture. I am always amazed at how quickly my heart can turn to praise and repentance when I remember specifically how God has worked in my life previously.
I pray now that as I continue to learn to abide in Christ, in moments of unbelief I will see my sin and repent more quickly than in previous years.
Note: Michael has since installed the vent at the top of our dukul as well as the solar panel and battery which means I can run a small fan at night! Praise God!
One of my favorite hymns is Begone Unbelief, and I have included some of the lyrics below.
Though dark be my way,
Since He is my Guide,
'Tis mine to obey,
'Tis His to provide;
Though cisterns be broken,
And creatures all fail,
The word He hath spoken
Shall surely prevail.
His love, in time past,
Forbids me to think
He'll leave me at last
In trouble to sink:
Each sweet Ebenezer
I have in review
Confirms His good pleasure
To help me quite through.
Why should I complain
Of want or distress,
Temptation or pain?
He told me no less;
The heirs of salvation,
I know from His Word,
Through much tribulation
Must follow their Lord
*3 years old*
*lunch with the ChE girls for my 21st birthday*
