Order of Magnitude

I had a college chemistry professor who used to always say "What's an order of magnitude between friends?" when discussing extremely large or small numbers.  I like the concept of orders of magnitude.  I don't like it as much as I like fractals, but it is up there. 

Because I like the idea of considering the same object at different orders of magnitude, I have always loved this poster that hangs in my aunt and uncle's home in São Paulo.  I also like tomatoes, preferably at 0 mph. 

Tomato at 0 mph

Tomato at 4 mph

Tomato at 40 mph

Tomato at 400 mph

Lately I have been thinking about orders of magnitude when it comes to poverty.  Is there poverty, disease, and a lack of access to safe drinking water in the US?  Yes.  Is there poverty, disease, and a lack of access to safe drinking water in South Sudan?  Yes.  The difference is in the order of magnitude.

Home

When I landed in Sao Paulo, the Brazilian immigration officer welcomed me home.  When I landed back in Miami, the US immigration officer also welcomed me home.  Neither is completely true. 

At Jennifer's recommendation I read Love at the Speed of Email on my flight from Miami to Sao Paulo. It is a quick read, and the author, Lisa McKay, talks a lot about the idea of home. 

Lisa writes about "home" saying, "...nowhere I’ve ever lived looks fully like home to me. It has less to do with whether that place felt like a home during the time I lived there than with there being about a dozen such places."

There are so many places that a part of "home" for me including Florida, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Brazil, and South Sudan. 

And I must admit that sometimes I feel like Lisa did when she wrote, "I was overwhelmed with the sense that my life was fracturing so irrevocably into a thousand disconnected people, places, and sensations that I would never stand a hope of feeling fully integrated."

For the global nomad, there are many sections of this book that put in to words the questions that tend to come with this lifestyle. 

My idea of "home" isn't simple, but is uniquely mine.  I am thankful that Brazil and South Sudan are important elements of "home" for me. 

Why International Development is like Quantum Mechanics

One of my favorite silly poems is "The story of Schroedinger's cat (an epic poem)" which can be found here if you are interested in reading the whole thing. 

I was reminded of this poem when Kristen, my classmate, was presenting on the appreciative inquiry approach of community development.

This approach is based on the idea that the very act of questioning changes the situation regardless of whether or not those questions are answered.

When Kristen said "questioning changes the situation" I immediately thought "The act of observing disturbs the observed —" which is a line from the Cecil Adams epic poem. 

My random associations always make sense to me, but usually make no sense to anyone else.  During an in-class discussion on overpopulation in Egypt and land reform I made a reference to eating babies in Ireland, and half the class knew that I was talking about A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift and the other half of the class was confused and a little disturbed.  A minute later another student referenced the Duggars.  It was an interesting class. 

This time I kept my quantum mechanics reference to myself, but after class I mentioned it to Kristen, a fellow science-lover.  She was tracking with me, so I decided I could post it here just for fun. 

So why is international development like quantum mechanics? Cecil Adams wrote:

"We may not know much, but one thing's fo' sho':
There's things in the cosmos that we cannot know.
Shine light on electrons — you'll cause them to swerve.
The act of observing disturbs the observed —
Which ruins your test. But then if there's no testing
To see if a particle's moving or resting
Why try to conjecture? Pure useless endeavor!
We know probability — certainty, never.'
The effect of this notion? I very much fear
'Twill make doubtful all things that were formerly clear."

International development is like quantum mechanics because you can't know if an approach will work in a specific community without testing, but the very act of an outsider coming into a community and asking questions changes the community irreversibly.  You cannot undo the influence of a missionary living in a community even if they don't implement any projects.  The fact that an outsider is there observing and asking questions changes the answers to the questions.

So those are my silly thoughts on why international development is like quantum mechanics based on an oversimplification in verse.  =)

Merry Christmas!

Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born,
    to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon his shoulder,
    and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. 

 Merry Christmas from my family in Brazil! It is always special when my grandparents can have both their children and their spouses along with all three of their grandchildren in the same room.  Our family is relatively small, but living on different continents makes getting together challenging.   The fact that this photo happened is a blessing for my grandparents who are both over 90 years old. 

 With my cousins

I took this photo on the day I arrived in Brazil which happened to be their 66th anniversary!

Recent Reading

Just a few thoughts on some of the reading I have been doing. (I actually wrote this a while back, but never got around to posting it.  It is crazy to think about all the different things I have read since!)

I recommend the book Walking with the Poor by Myers.  I read it shortly after I got to Mundri about three years ago.  I recently reread it for Theology of Poverty, and I got so much more out of it having read something from many of the authors that Myers references like Jayakumar Christian and Miroslav Volf.  Walking with the Poor is now available on Kindle.

http://www.amazon.com/Walking-Poor-Principles-Transformational-Development/dp/1570759391

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I like this quote a lot for so many reasons, but I will let you read and it and relate it to your own stories.  

"Our communities are like our houses in which we feel at home, and yet keep rearranging, taking old things out and bringing new things in, often objects acquired on visits to near and distance place, objects which symbolize that we can never be the same after we have ventured outside our home, that the things we encounter 'outside' become a part of the 'inside'" - A Vision of Embrace: Theological Perspectives on Cultural Identity and Conflict by Volf

Here is one more quote from our readings on reconciliation.  

“…a Christian way of dealing with suffering involves bringing one’s own story of suffering into contact with the story of the suffering, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ." - Schreiter 

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I wish I could articulate in a better way everything I have been thinking, considering, and praying about through all my classes.  I have a lot of good questions, but honestly, I have information overload.  I am recognizing the mistakes I made as a development practitioner in S. Sudan, and acknowledging to myself that if I continue working in development, I will always make mistakes.  I seem to need to relearn that lesson every few months.  It is so easy for my sinful heart to make effectiveness in ministry an idol. 

"The Holy Spirit empowers us for mission, leads us into mission, and is responsible for the results of mission." - Myers   

So maybe I need to write that quote by Myers on my wall and remember that it is true for missionaries overseas, engineers in the US, stay-at-home moms, ... basically it is true in for every calling and vocation. 

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Since I am letting your all get a glimpse of my thoughts anyway, I must say that sometimes I hesitate write my thoughts on the things I am learning and reading on economics of development and theology of poverty, because I fear being judged.  I guess I still feel a little like an imposter as a missionary, like someone is going to realize that they let a chemical engineer slip in with all the real missionaries that went to seminary or at least have degree in appropriate technology.  And those thoughts take me right back to the Myers quote.  

"The Holy Spirit empowers us for mission, leads us into mission, and is responsible for the results of mission." - Myers  

So I will end with this, you don't have to have everything all figured and your life all cleaned up to take a step of faith accept Jesus as your Savior, and you don't have to have everything all figured out and have dealt with all sin in your life to follow Jesus if he calls you to mission.  God is in the business of restoring broken things and that is good news for you, for me, for churches, universities, nations, the earth, basically it is just universally good news.   

 

Doubt

In many Christian communities, people will speak openly about their own sin.  Subjects that might be taboo like greed, pride, and lust are discussed openly.  In fact, public admission of sin can even become boastful because it is so highly valued.  

There are however still some things that people don't really discuss.  Doubt, in my opinion, is one of those things.  It would be easier to admit to lying than to admit you doubt the existence of God.  

So here I am, a former missionary, admitting on a public blog that I sometimes doubt.  And not just little doubts, like doubting the power of prayer or doubting that God is at work in the midst of suffering, but I doubt the existence of God.  I have moments of darkness and unbelief.

It seems to be the pattern of my life that those moments come especially when I intentionally take time consider God, suffering, paradox, Truth, etc. As a grad student, most of my days are spent reading and praying about those very topics. 

You might think that what comes next in this post is some words about how we can take those doubts to the Lord, evidences for the existence of God, or something that you would read in Christian book on doubt (albeit not as well written).

But I won't, because that is the reality of life of faith sometimes. 

I am thankful for friends to whom I can safely express my doubts and confusion because I think those things should not be keep secret.  I pray that Christian communities would be bold in speaking openly about doubt thus creating a safe spaces for any person to share their doubts.

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1 Corinthians 13:12  For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

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“Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys” - Screwtape Letters

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FYI: I still love Jesus.  =) 

Brain Full

One of my classmates mentioned this far side cartoon in class.  That is DEFINITELY how I felt in the middle of my last economic development class.  During the break, all I could think was I have been in class for an hour and half and there is still and hour and half of learning to go! It was all great stuff, but my brain was full! This class in particular felt like a mental marathon, and I had not been training. 

But then today my roommates and I went to a political rally because it was less than a mile from our house.   We kept on making eye contact whenever we made connections to things we had just been discussing in class.  I guess we did retain something.  I understood on a deeper level, and my questions and concerns were more complex than they would have been a month ago. 

So looks like I'm learning something. 

On another note, I was cleaning out some things I had been storing in my parents house a few months ago, and I found this! It was on the cover page of my organic chemistry exam at PSU.  After the exam I cut it out and kept it.  Good times. 

Infographic

Because infographics seem to be all rage these days, here is one on South Sudan. Of course there are significant regional variations within South Sudan.  There isn't much data available on South Sudan, and this is relatively recent (2011).   I think it is interesting to consider.  

  Just for fun, I found this infographic on infographics. 

Fit for Service

I was a hesitant blogger when I was first appointed as a missionary with WHM.  I make myself vulnerable as a blogger, striving to share the truth which includes both successes and failures.  As a blogger I know there have been times when I have feared the judgment of men, which totally changes the way I write and doesn't glorify God.  While I am vulnerable, the reader is anonymous.  At least in my prayer letters, I know the audience. I debated writing this post for that very reason.

This week I reached the ambitious weight loss goal I set for myself about a year and a half ago.  (I promise this has to do with missions as well, so keep reading.)   I made a change in my life for two main reasons.

1) For my health at the recommendation of my doctor because, as she said, it is much easier to make a change now than it would be ten years from now

2) For Mundri (this is the part about missions) which I did not admit to publicly until now, because what if I failed to reach my goal...

The reality was I just didn't have the energy of stamina do everything I wanted to do in Mundri.  My primary mode of transportation was my trusty bicycle, and although I was relatively fit and could get the places I needed to go on my bicycle, I found myself avoiding the bike ride into town when possible.  If I didn't HAVE to check up on a water project, I would avoid the bike ride.  If I had time to visit a friend, but she lived on the other side of town, I would find something else to do instead.  Life in Mundri was definitely more physically demanding than life in the US, and I knew that losing some weight would give more energy for the life I wanted to lead as a member of the community in Mundri.

At least for me, achieving and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is a type of spiritual discipline.  I hope to be ready and able to follow God anywhere in the world.  Part of that for me means being physically fit for service as far as that depends on my choices and discipline.  I'm not running a marathon anytime soon (or probably ever), but I have so much more energy now, which is currently being poured into being a grad student.  I must admit, that I haven't had the same discipline over the last year and half in other spiritual disciplines.

I am thankful for the people who have been my workout buddies along the way.  Bethany brought P90X to Mundri, so we got up early many days before the heat of the day rolling out our yoga mats on the dusty concrete floor while laughing and sweating together.  Now my roommates and I get up early to jog at a local track before we start our reading for the day.  We will see what happens once it starts getting really cold, but for now, it is a routine that works for us.

Now it is time to set a new goal for physical fitness and in writing this I have been challenged to look at other spiritual disciplines that are being neglected in my life. 

Sustainable?

http://xkcd.com/1007/

A friend shared this comic with me a while back.  I liked it then, and I like it even more now. 

As it got later last night, the readings started feeling like a long string of keywords. 

"Community....sustainable.... globalization.... development... sustainability... community development... global solutions... sustainable..." 

That is when you know it is time to go to sleep and try again in the morning.